


To Be Still

by mytimehaspassed



Category: Peter Pan - J. M. Barrie
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-10
Updated: 2010-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-22 06:16:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/234791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mytimehaspassed/pseuds/mytimehaspassed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Wendy leaves, Peter forgets her name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be Still

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Храня молчание](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3611295) by [Regis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Regis/pseuds/Regis)



**TO BE STILL**  
PETER PAN  
Peter/Wendy; Peter/Captain Hook  
 **WARNINGS** : underage

  
When Wendy leaves, Peter forgets her name. There’s no use in remembering a Wendy Bird that has no value or substance, that hasn’t found a home in Never Never Land or with the Lost Boys or even with Peter himself. There’s no use in remembering a girl who will grow up and become old and wrinkled like Peter never will.

Some of the boys talk about the mother they used to have in hushed tones around the fire, like maybe Peter will overhear, but when Peter does, he only cocks his head to one side and says, “Who?” And the boys never explain.

Peter remembers sword fights and the great big tongue of the crocodile, Captain Hook’s metal hand glinting in the light of his ship, but he doesn’t remember Wendy. He can feel the ghost of a touch across his lips sometimes, the warmth of a hand around his wrist, but he can’t remember a face or the color of her skin. He can’t remember what she looked like, the shape of the girl who won’t leave him.

Tinkerbell won’t let him ask about her, even when he’s nice and quiet and doesn’t misbehave, sitting with his hands in his lap watching the boys snore in their beds. Even when he whispers to her that the girl he can’t remember, the girl he can’t forget, won’t go away until he knows who she is. Until he remembers what she used to feel like, her smile blurry like a photograph someone’s hung out of reach.

Tinkerbell will turn away, her shoulders hunched and her fists clenched, but Peter never knows how to soothe these things, he doesn’t know about girls and their feelings, because he’s never been that clever, even if he’s the cleverest boy in all of Never Land.

“What?” Peter will say, furrowing his brow. “What’s wrong?”

And Tinkerbell will sob, but never once show him her tears.

***

Captain Hook won’t let the name of the girl past his lips, either, but Peter never suspected he would. The Captain would never give Peter the satisfaction, even when Peter promises him the safe return of his hand from the belly of the crocodile. “Safe return, you say?” Captain Hook says, the metal of his hand resting on the underside of his chin. “No more ticking clocks, then?”

Peter smiles his most innocent smile, his hands on his hips, his feet apart. “No more ticking clocks,” he promises.

But The Captain always remembers who Peter really is and why he is being chased by the crocodile in the first place. He never deals, even when they are alone and Smee isn’t beside him with the pistol, reminding him that Peter was born to lie just like all children are.

“He’ll let the crocodile guzzle you up before you could get your hand back,” Smee will say, and The Captain will frown. “He’ll never kill that crocodile.”

The Captain knows Peter lies, but Peter thinks sometimes The Captain doesn’t care, sometimes The Captain likes having Peter around, even if there’s flashing swords or the sharp smell of gunpowder in the air. Peter thinks sometimes the only person that really knows The Captain is Peter, and they’re both quite aware of that fact.

Sometimes Peter thinks the crocodile is not the only one who likes the taste of Captain Hook.

***

The Lost Boys grow up one by one and leave Peter behind, just like the girl Peter’s almost forgotten, the girl whose image gets blurrier the more Peter tries to remember, the more Peter doesn’t want to forget. The boys don’t need a mother anymore, don’t need Peter to be their father, because they all grow up to be older and bigger and far cleverer than Peter ever wanted them to be. They don’t come back to tell Peter they’ve gone out into the world outside Never Land and started their own families, had their own children, but only because Peter would never let them. Peter never wants to see what he could become one day when he, too, has outgrown Never Land and given up childhood.

Peter never wants to see what he’s been pushing away, even if sometimes it’s better than what he has now.

***

Peter wants to forget Wendy, wants to forget the smell of her hair, but she’s as stubborn as he is, as arrogant and foolish, and she doesn’t like being forgotten, doesn’t like when he forgets, so she clutches to the corners of his memory with claws. He has almost forgotten the whole of her shape, the soft touch of her fingers, but still she stays, burning at the back of his mind like a match.

The Captain says, “Can’t forget her, can you?” His hook traces the hollow of Peter’s belly, as sharp and cold as his mouth. “Even when you can’t remember her name.”

Peter wants to forget, even tells The Captain this, even begs the crocodile to take the memory away just like it took The Captain’s hand, but still she stays, wavering in his mind, whispering to him in his sleep. Peter can’t remember what she was called, but she’ll never let him forget that he loved her, even if it was for a brief moment, even if she never loved him long enough to stay.

The Captain says, “You’ll never be able to let her go, will you?” His hook traces down and down, Peter’s skin flushed against the steel. “Even when she made her choice to leave.”

“No,” Peter says, and his voice is hoarse, his eyes are closed. “She wants me to remember her. She wants me to keep her.”

“She’s not a bird in a cage,” The Captain says and the girl in Peter’s mind smiles, moves closer, moves so he can almost see the outline of her face. “She’s just a girl. And girls will always want to grow up. Girls are not like you, Peter Pan.”

“She wants to stay,” Peter says, his breath tight in his chest. “She wants to stay here forever, that’s why she’s calling me.” The calls in the night, the cries of Peter’s name.

“She’ll never let you keep her, silly boy,” The Captain says. His hook is hard against Peter’s soft cheek, cold where it wipes away Peter’s tears. “She’ll never let you keep her from what she wants.”

“You have to let me try,” Peter whispers, his fists clenching at his sides. “Let me try.”

The Captain knows Peter like no one else, knows that Peter will always be a child, even when his body becomes a man. The Captain knows that one day Peter will leave Never Land and never come back, even if The Captain would desperately want him to, even if The Captain is not sure who he would love after that.

The Captain closes his eyes. “Her name is Wendy,” he says, and the ticking of the clock fills his ears until he can hear nothing else.

And Peter remembers.


End file.
